Yesterday I shared some of the things I did to fortify myself against failure in the Christian walk. Besides making the obvious commitment to daily Bible study and prayer, I chose a prayer/accountability partner to encourage and pray for me, and to help keep me accountable in certain areas. I feel this is important because, as I shared, sin thrives in darkness and concealment, but loses much of it’s power in the light (See John 3:19, 20).

Today I want to share how the Lord took me deeper. You see, it was good that I stopped resisting Him. But just saying “Lord, take my life” is not enough. There must be a continual surrender to God’s will. Here is where my past failures came from. I would say, “Lord, take my heart.” But then when He would ask me to give up some cherished idol, I would resist. And that resistance would sooner or later separate me from God.

So within a day of my initial surrender, I began to sense the Lord asking me to lay some things on the altar. Things like how much time I spend on the internet. (Yes, with it in the house, and especially with the iPod, it is a very real and powerful temptation again.)

So I asked my prayer partner to help keep me accountable and pray for me in this area.

Next I realized that I had let my eBay business take over my life. I needed to spend less time on it and more time working with my children. So I laid that on the altar as well.

Now don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with my time online and to an extent with eBay (some days it is more of a challenge than others); but I am trying to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s call to my heart, telling me when I’ve done enough or need to do something else. It’s nice to be able to make some spending money, but I cannot let the love of money (or even the need for it) control me.

Another area, related to the one, is the issue of how I use my spare time. I am beginning to realize that how we use our spare moments says a lot about who we are.

There is this blog that I was reading. It was funny and mostly harmless, but I had become somewhat obsessed with it. I wanted to read all the archives (over 2 years’ worth of almost daily posts), and had only a few months’ worth to go when the Lord brought it up to me. He pointed out that not only was I not learning anything of eternal value there, but it occasionally had content that was not really appropriate for a Christian to view–content that I would be embarrassed to be caught viewing if Jesus were to walk into the room. Since I had so few posts left (relatively speaking) to finish it, at first I thought I would just look at a post here and there in my spare time. But I began to see the negative effect of even moderate viewing (as opposed to sitting down for an hour to read a couple months’ worth, like I had done), and the Lord called to my heart again.

This time He asked me to surrender the whole blog, to be willing never to go there again. And at the same time, He also asked me not to check my email every time I had a spare moment–or my texting program, or whatever other little innocent thing that I might do with my iPod when I had a few moments to myself. Not that I could never use a spare moment to check my email, but I realized that I needed to try to use the majority of them for something of more eternal value. Like read a Bible promise, or take a moment to pray for someone or something, or read a couple of paragraphs from an inspirational book. So I surrendered the blog and the use of my spare time. And I have found that doing this has led me to love the things of the Lord more. It also is helpful to keep my mind focused on the Lord, and to make up for a not-as-long-as-I-would-have-liked quiet time in the morning. And I don’t miss that blog. Not one bit. I don’t think I’ll ever go back.

One side benefit (if you could call it that) of guarding my spare moments has been an increased sensitivity to the Spirit’s voice speaking to my conscience. As I open my heart up to God, inviting Him into more and more of my day, I begin to hear Him speaking to me in a very personal way. For instance, the other night I was typing this very post on my iPod, and when the time came to turn it off and go to bed, there was a temptation to just keep going with it under the covers, where it wouldn’t bother my husband. After all, I was doing something spiritual, not just reading stories like I had done in the past (yes, under the covers, late into the night, I am ashamed to say). But the Lord called to my conscience. He reminded me that even a good thing late at night was a bad thing. And He asked me to surrender and leave the iPod on the nightstand. I surrendered. And even though I didn’t get to sleep for at least an hour, I stayed firm to my resolve, and I didn’t regret it. I knew I would be able to pick up my train of thought and finish the post without any problem. And I did. I doubt you can tell where exactly I stopped. (Hint: It was in this paragraph.)

As I continue to spend time in God’s Word, and to listen to God’s voice directing me, I will be come more sensitive to His leading in my life. But if I choose to go against what I know to be right, then I will let go of God’s hand and be right back where I was before. Or worse. I don’t want that to happen again!

There is so much more I could write in this series, but I think this is a good place to stop. Thank you for reading. I pray you have been challenged.

Tomorrow I will share about another book that has made a big impact on me spiritually. So watch for that post.

By Michael Cory on Flickr

Yesterday I shared how I found myself resisting God’s love, and how my heart had become hardened as a result. But then I made the choice to read a book that revealed His love in a way that had a very powerful drawing effect on my heart, and finally I chose to surrender. But my fear of failure was still there. How could I be sure that I would not turn back as I had countless times before?

As I looked at my life, I realized that I had somehow kept myself back from close friendships with other women. I had moved a lot, and with two small children to care for, I had not taken time to find a close friend–not even one. There was no one to ask me, “So, how are you really doing”–no one I was that close to. I thought of things I had heard on a woman’s radio program about having an accountability partner, and I realized that if I had had one, I would have had someone to call and get encouragement from. I had thought of doing it many times in the past, but I shrank from being vulnerable, from letting anyone see inside my heart.

You see, sin thrives in darkness. Concealed sin is very powerful and really impossible to break away from. But bring it out into the light, and it loses much of its power. I knew this, but for years I had hesitated to take this step.

But somehow this time it was different. Oh, I still shrank, but somehow my fear of failure became greater than my loathing to be vulnerable. So I wrote one of my friends from a few moves back, and asked her if she would be my prayer/accountability partner. It turned out that she was looking for one too, and so it was settled. I gave her permission to ask me searching questions as she felt impressed. There is nothing like knowing that such a question could come at any time to motivate one to do what is right! And it also gave me someone to call when I needed encouragement, or just to text, “I’m having a hard time now. Please pray for me” when I needed it. And of course it works both ways. I can be there for her when she needs it, too. We can hold up each other in prayer. This gives me a ministry and a way to reach out right at the outset.

The other thing I have committed to doing is to take time every day for devotions. Now, this may sound basic and obvious, but it is an area that I have struggled with lately. I know part of the problem is that I have been going to bed late, making it hard to get up early and be alert enough to focus. It is hard, because my husband is gone almost all day, so evenings are our only real time together. He is gone 12-13 hours every day–sometimes more. So I have to get his breakfast, lunch, and supper together before he leaves between 7:00 and 7:30. Once that is done, the kids are up and my day is in full swing. Stopping for an hour of Bible study and prayer is out of the question. And it doesn’t help that everyone tells me it’s the season of life I’m in, that it will be easier as my kids get older (especially because I’m not sure I’m done having kids!). If I don’t get up at before 5:30, I won’t have time to sit down and have any kind of devotional time at all before I have to start breakfast by 6:00 (especially because I often take a shower to wake up so I can focus!).

I will be honest. I haven’t figured this out yet. I’m working on it. Just not sure how it’s going to work out. But I have found that 10 minutes with my Bible and prayer is better than nothing at all, so I am focusing on taking whatever time I possibly can, regardless of when I got up. I have also found that deliberately getting up early even when I was tired often resulted in special blessings that gave me extra strength during the day–as incredible as that may sound.

Tomorrow I will share how the Lord took me deeper in my surrender. So stay tuned!

In the last two days I have painted a picture of how I felt during the time that I was, essentially, trying to hide from God. I knew I was lost; I doubted that I could ever make it; I feared that any attempt at surrender was doomed to failure sooner or later. Of course this was denying the power of God, and I knew it. But I had no evidence that this time would be any different. I wasn’t able or even willing to walk by faith.

During this time of struggle, I opened up to one lady from my church, and she encouraged me to read the book Seeing With New Eyes, and loaned me her copy. This book takes a look at Jesus and His love in a way that grips the heart. It presents Christ’s love in a most attractive way. Most of the information was not exactly new to me, but it was still it began to soften my heart.

You see, I had become almost desensitized to the sacrifice of Christ. I had heard the story so many times that it didn’t move me like it had at first. This worried me greatly. I would read things like the following, and I would almost become depressed:

They [referring to the self-centered] forget the Man of Sorrows, who was acquainted with grief. The sufferings of Jesus in Gethsemane, His sweating as it were great drops of blood in the garden, the platted crown of thorns that pierces His holy brow, do not move them. They have become benumbed. Their sensibilities are blunted, and they have lost all sense of the great sacrifice made for them. They can sit and listen to the story of the cross, hear how the cruel nails were driven through the hands and feet of the Son of God, and it does not stir the depths of the soul.” 1T 155.

That statement could not have described me better if it had been written by someone who could read my heart. I knew it, and it terrified me.

But gradually I realized what was the problem. This passage gives a clue:

The sinner may resist this love, may refuse to be drawn to Christ; but if he does not resist he will be drawn to Jesus; a knowledge of the plan of salvation will lead him to the foot of the cross in repentance for his sins, which have caused the sufferings of God’s dear Son. SC 27.

Looking back, I can see that I was resisting. I thought I had a good excuse: I was afraid of failing again. But praise God, Jesus’ love was stronger than my fear. As I read that book Seeing With New Eyes, I began to see something of the beauty of God’s character, the awesomeness of His love, the depth of His sacrifice; and as I made the choice to behold, my heart began to soften.

As I felt my heart softening, I began more and more to feel the drawing of God upon my heart. And little by little I began to yield. One morning I woke up with the sense that God was calling me to come spend time with Him. It was almost an audible voice, speaking to my heart, saying, “Lisa, please come spend some time with Me. I long to spend time with you. Won’t you please get out of bed, get your Bible, and find the blessings I have prepared specially for you?” I was tired, but I couldn’t resist such tender pleadings. So I got up. And I found myself surrendering to the Lord.

I was still afraid of failure, but I simply couldn’t resist any longer. So I took the first step and said that I would let God be in charge of my life.

Tomorrow I will share two of the things that I did to fortify against the failure I so much feared–besides continuing to behold Jesus, of course! I want to continue doing that for the rest of my life!

By SamHastings on Flickr

Yesterday, I shared in part 1 how my life has been a series of spiritual ups and downs, characterized by trying to build walls to make others think I was good, while inside I was a mess.

Well, a few weeks ago I just sort of hit bottom. I had been trying to escape reality with compulsive kinds of actions, like reading for hours on end, playing computer games, etc., while my family deteriorated around me. I didn’t know what to do, and I hated myself for the way I was and the way I had allowed things to become. The bad habits of my youth were now maturing into very nasty character flaws that I could see being mirrored in my children, and I began to realize that I had to make a choice.

But I was loath to do it. Make the choice, I mean. Because I basically had two alternatives. Either surrender to God and let Him change me, or reject God and give up on everything I believed. I just couldn’t stand staying the way I was. The problem was, the latter option was just too horrendous to contemplate. And besides, being a Christian was so ingrained into my identity that I would find myself turning to God automatically when in difficult situations–like when I turned into my driveway too early and almost went over edge of the road into a tree!

But surrender scared me.

Why did it scare me? It wasn’t because I was afraid of surrender itself. I had experienced full surrender in the past–at least, as full as I knew at the time. I remember almost having an accident, and actually not getting an adrenalin rush because I had such peace with God. I longed to have that kind of relationship again. But I was afraid of failure. I had tried so many times, and just as many times I had failed. Turned my back on God. Let go of His hand and basically said, “I’m going to do it my way.”

Then I would read verses like Hebrews 6:4-6 and wonder if maybe I was a hopeless case.  But then I knew that any yearnings in my soul for God meant that I had definitely not committed the unpardonable sin, and that meant there definitely was hope for me. (I have stored up a lot of head knowledge over the years, and in times like this it was both a comfort and a torment.)

But I still feared failure. I didn’t want to turn my life over to God and then take it back once again. I wanted to break the cycle of up and down. After talking to my friend from church that I mentioned yesterday, I got in touch with one of my old friends from several years ago and began to pour out my heart to her. In an email, I wrote this:

I realize that to surrender to the extent that I did as a youth isn’t enough anymore. In proportion to the light that I have I must yield, and I have more light now than I did then. So my surrender now must be deeper than it has ever been.

As you can see, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to surrender. But I was afraid. What if I failed again? I didn’t think I could bear it. All my head knowledge told me that God would accept me just as I was, that He would forgive me and take me back with rejoicing. All the promises of His keeping power that I had memorized kept surfacing into my consciousness; evidence of His love was everywhere I looked if I just chose to see it. I began to sense things coming to a climax. I realized that it was only a matter of time before I did make a surrender. But still I hesitated.

Looking back honestly, I think that it was deeper than just my fear of failure, even though that was a very big issue. I was also unwilling to surrender certain things. It’s a lie of the devil, the idea that if you surrender to God, He will take away the things that make you happy. I know by experience that He only takes away the things that make us miserable. But I didn’t want to let go of some of those things. And some things I wondered if He would make me give them up, when in reality He wasn’t so much interested in my things as just in having me. And as I began to take that reality to heart, I began to soften.

I realize that I may not be communicating my thoughts very well. There were so many levels to my situation that I don’t know how to explain it with words. Maybe if you try to feel with your heart what I am trying to  convey, you will understand. I’m sure if you’ve ever been where I am, you can understand. I hope by the time I finish this series, those of my readers who are in the same situation I was will have some answers. That’s my goal, my reason for opening my heart to you. Not that I have all the answers yet. But I have a few. And maybe one or two of them will help.

Tomorrow I will share some of the steps that helped get me out of this dark hole I was in. So stay tuned.

By Matthew McVickar on Flickr

Have you ever built up walls around yourself to hide who you really are? Have you put up a front just to try to make people think that you are better than you really are? I have. Over and over. And I think I’m not alone in this. I want to share a little of my experience of the past few weeks with you, dear readers, but first I need to give you some background.
I was raised as a Christian. So for me, conversion didn’t happen suddenly one day. It was more like the sunrise in the north–slow, gradual, gentle. As a young teenager, I had a passion to know God’s will for my life.

Now, I had ups and downs even then, but after I became an adult, they became even more pronounced. Habits that I had formed in my youth began to bear fruit in my adulthood–fruit of which I was not proud. At times I hated myself for being the way that I was, at the same time desperately trying to build a wall that would make me look good to those around me. I did not want anyone to be lost because of me. So I tried to be a good example on the outside. On the inside, however, I was a mess. And it just kept getting worse.

And then there were times of revival. I would get disgusted with my life and would read about Jesus and feel drawn to Him. But it never lasted. Old habits die hard, and unless they are given up entirely will often come back to haunt one.

So a few weeks ago, I was in a real mess. I have been seeing my bad character traits mirrored in my children–especially my 4-year-old daughter. It’s one thing to get frustrated once in a while and bang something and just yell at everyone to “just leave me a lone!” It’s another thing to see one’s daughter doing the same thing. It was a sort of wake-up call for me.

But I was afraid. I had tried so many times before, and every time I had failed. You know what I mean? You say, “This time, Lord, it’s for real. This time I’m going to go all the way.” And then a few weeks–or days, or hours–later, you are right back where you started–or worse off than before. Well, that’s where I was. I was trying to dull the pain by a series of obsessive actions, I guess you could call them. I would get a book from the library, and then couldn’t put it down until it was done. You know, a big, long book that should take a week or two to read. I’d finish it off in a day and a half and go back for another one. I wasn’t getting anything done except basic meals and dishes and sort of the laundry. Then I’d get disgusted at my laziness and try to change. Then it was something else. And then something else. And all the while my children were suffering from my neglect.

After a while I realized that I had to do something. I had to talk to someone. I didn’t know who to talk to. My husband was showing evidence of the stress, and I didn’t feel like talking to him about it. I wanted to talk to another woman. An opportunity came up one night and I talked to a mature Christian lady about what I was feeling. She loaned me a couple of books, which helped some, but I think she missed what was really going on inside. Not that I blame her. I didn’t even understand what was going on.

I can’t say that I fully understand even now, but I am beginning to. What I have learned over these past few weeks is what I want to share with you. I am going to break it up into several posts and post it throughout this next week. And don’t think this has nothing to do with Christmas. It does. As we near Christmas, we need to remember the Reason for the Season. Jesus came as a baby; that’s what we’re celebrating this time of year. But He came for a reason. That’s what I’m going to be writing about.

And just maybe something I say will strike an answering chord in your heart and be a blessing and a help to you. If so, my purpose in writing this series has been achieved.

What is my purpose in life? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. So let me muse aloud here just a little.

Right now it looks like my purpose is to raise Godly children. And to please my husband. And to keep the house tidy and running smoothly. But is that really my purpose in life? Is that what God made me to do?

Let’s backtrack about six years. I was single—in love, but still single. I had a very determined goal in mind: I was going to study to be a Bible worker. I had just finished a summer of selling Christian books door to door—canvassing, we called it—and had been accepted for the winter/spring term in the Amazing Facts College of Evangelism. If you had asked me at that time what I felt my purpose in life was, I would have said it was to win souls for Jesus, to do outreach. I knew two languages and was working on a third, and I wanted to be equipped as a Bible worker with the training that would make me an effective soul winner.

I went to that college. After I finished, I did some more canvassing, then got married. After a blissful honeymoon, we moved down to the bottom of Texas to start our first assignment as Bible workers for the Texas Conference.

But things didn’t work out like we had thought. My health declined for some unknown reason (I still don’t know what it was). I was tired all the time and didn’t have the stamina to go out looking for Bible studies. Even though I was the one with the training, my husband ended up being the one who did the work, while I stayed home or went with him half of the time. Then our different personalities began to rub each other in the middle of doing God’s work. I was raised to be very punctual, and it bothered me to be late for appointments. On the other hand, my husband is much more relaxed—Hispanics tend to be that way, and we were in an area of Texas that has a very high Hispanic population, so I really had no reason to fret. But we decided that we just couldn’t continue as Bible workers. The pay was barely enough to make ends meet, and we had absolutely no savings to fall back on for emergencies. It’s easy to talk about making sacrifices, but reality is a while other thing, and we weren’t ready for it yet, at least, not as a couple.

So we told the evangelist we were working for that we would finish our term with this church and then we weren’t going to continue. He tried to talk us out of it, but we felt it was the best thing for us in our marriage, so we stood our ground.

The month that our term ended, I got pregnant. That put a new perspective on everything. I now was to be a wife and mother. I took a part-time job during my pregnancy, but have not worked outside the home since my daughter was born.

Now here I am with two precious children, considering my purpose in life. Why did God make me? Was I born here to gratify my desires and those of my husband and children? Is life just about keeping the house clean, cooking delicious meals, and raising godly children?

God made us as His children. He wanted us to be His special people on this planet, worshiping Him and making the universe a better place for our presence. But Adam ate the fruit, and everything changed. Or did it? Did God’s purpose for us change? In some ways it did. But ultimately it didn’t. When sin has been dealt with and is eradicated from this planet, God’s original purpose for us will be realized every moment for the rest of eternity.

Looking at the big picture helps me to see that it isn’t about me at all. It’s about God. God’s purpose for me is much more far reaching than simply my doing right. He wants me to live with Him forever. And He wants me to bring as many with me as I can.

So this morning after church I went to the pastor and asked if I could talk to him. I told him what I had been hiding: that I had gone to the Amazing Facts school and been trained as a Bible worker. He was naturally a little surprised, but he reminded me that now as a mother of young children it wasn’t necessarily practical for me to do active outreach, that I had a mission field right at home. I told him that I realized that, but I felt I could do more. He was already late to an appointment, so he just said a prayer and left, but he said he would talk to the lay outreach coordinator (personal ministries director, I think she would be called) and have her contact me.

I still don’t know what this will look like. I don’t have transportation during the week, so on weekends I have to get my shopping done, and that uses up all my time. If someone wanted Bible studies and could come to my house, I would be glad to help. But maybe there’s something else I can do. Maybe I could help with correspondence Bible studies. Maybe I could just witness to the neighbors. I’m not sure how to do that yet, but I’m praying about it every day.

So what is my purpose in life? It is to glorify God in everything I do. Whether that means giving a Bible study to the lady down the hill, or passing out tracts on a Sabbath afternoon, or making sure the house is tidy and the children so that my husband is refreshed and not stressed when he comes into the home—whatever it means, I must do it to God’s glory. And I must learn to avoid anything that would hinder my walk with God. Even good things. Christ must be my all in all.

Recently I listened to a sermon by Mark Finley on Faith. This devotional thought is my own summary of that sermon in my own words. I would encourage you to listen to the sermon for yourself.

What is faith? Belief? Trust? The substance of things hoped for? Faith is all of those things, and more. It is the one thing that makes the difference in our being saved or lost. Without faith, no one ever was or ever will be saved. And true faith alone is all we need to be saved.

Notice I said “true faith.” Many people do not understand faith. Some TV evangelists today make it sound like if you have enough faith, you can be healed, or you will be wealthy, or you will get what you need or want in life. But that isn’t what the Bible says.

Because faith is such an important topic, and because God wants to be sure we understand what it is, He put a whole chapter on it in the Bible. Most dedicated Christians are familiar with the first verse: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Heb 11:1). But how familiar are you with the rest of the chapter?

Let’s look at an overview of the chapter.

Verse 4: By faith Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain.

Abel had faith, but what happened to him? He died. If he hadn’t had enough faith to offer that more excellent sacrifice, he wouldn’t have died.

Verse 5: By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death.

Enoch’s faith led him to be translated. He lived and never died.

Wait a minute. Abel had faith and he died. Enoch had faith and he never died. Which one had more faith?

Let’s continue down the chapter.

Verse 7: By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house.

Noah’s faith led him to stay put, build an ark, and save his house.

Verse 8: By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went.

Abraham had faith, and he left without knowing where he was going. And he found the inheritance for his posterity.

So Noah stays and builds, while Abraham leaves and lives in a tent the rest of his life (see verse 9). Which of them had more faith?

Verse 11: Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age.

Sarah had faith and conceived a child at the age of 90 (see Genesis 17:17).

Verse 17: By faith Abraham, when he was tried, offered up Isaac.

Abraham’s faith led him to offer up the very son that was conceived in faith.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

Verse 22: By faith Joseph, when he died, made mention of the departing of the children of Israel.

Joseph became ruler in Egypt and died in that land.

Verse 27: By faith [Moses] forsook Egypt.

Moses was the adopted son of Pharoah’s daughter, but he forsook the chance to rule Egypt and left it behind.

Moving down, we read of others who victoriously conquered their enemies:

Verses 33-35: Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. Women received their dead raised to life again.

I’m sure you can think of some Bible characters that did those things. Some of them are named in verse 32. But then comes the contrast.

Verses 35-37: others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented;

You can probably think of some Bible characters that had those things happen to them, too. I know I can. Jesus Himself is the most prominent of that second group.

So what is faith, really? It’s very simple. It’s putting yourself in the will of God and doing whatever it is that is His will for you.

For one, it might be His will to go as a missionary. For another, it might be His will for them to just go on a short-term mission trip, like a group from our church that is going to Fiji soon. For another, it might be giving Bible studies to the neighbors. For yet another, it might simply be staying home and raising godly children.

For me, faith is doing a good job cleaning the kitchen, when I would rather just give it a once-over and go do some sewing. Faith is taking time to make sure my children obey me when I’d rather sit down and read a book. Faith is saying “No” to the tiny 1” snickers bars that the lady at the discount store dropped a handful of into my bag (when I wasn’t looking), because I’m fighting a cold and am trying to lose weight, when my whole nature says, “Just one won’t hurt.” Faith is claiming the promise that “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength” when it’s the end of the day, I’m exhausted, and just want to crawl into bed—but still have to get the kids ready for bed.

What is faith to you? What is God’s will for you? Are you surrendered to that will? Am I?

I want to tell you about something that happened a few days ago. My husband was sick (but improving), and I was still recovering from the same illness. Summer colds are rough!

Anyhow, this particular day, a Thursday, I think, I was tired. It was the end of the day. My husband had been working outside cutting up the tree that had fallen across the bottom part of our driveway (fortunately, not the part that we are using, but still, it blocked the path). Turned out to be an apple tree—a huge one, though only about a dozen years old. It was growing near the drainfield, so the rings were between a quarter and a half inch thick each! At least we have a few other apple trees on the place (with tiny apples on them—I can’t wait to find out what they will turn out to be!).

But I’m getting sidetracked. It was late, around 8:00 o’clock. I was working on something important (probably dishes), and wanted his help to get the kids to bed. But he was nowhere to be seen. I called. No answer.

So I started thinking where he could be. I thought he might have gone on a walk. But so late. And he hadn’t eaten supper yet, either. What was going on?

Suddenly I heard his footsteps on the porch. I immediately began to think of all the things I was going to say, starting with, “Where have you been?” But his first words when he opened the door were, “I’ve brought you flowers.”

A few days old already

Now, let me clarify something about me. I am not a “gifts” person. I don’t feel the least bit unloved if I don’t get a birthday card or an anniversary card or anything like that. Not one bit. And the fact that my husband has never brought me flowers before, at least, nothing significant, and never paid-for flowers does not bother me in the least. Neither of us have “gifts” as our primary or secondary love language, so we’re fine with it.

But still, to think that he thought of me while he was out doing whatever it was that he was doing touched me, and I shut my mouth. It took me a moment to recover from the negative thoughts that had been forming, but as soon as I did, I thanked him for the flowers, and then noticed the daypack on his back. Immediately I knew where he had been. He’d been out picking cherries.

Something else needs clarifying. Before our move, I let my bulk food items (like legumes and grains) run low on purpose. I didn’t want to haul large quantities of food from the old house to the new. And I didn’t have enough money last month to stock up much, so I just bought exactly what we needed of those items. This month, I filled my bean jars and purchased several 5-pound bags of different grains. I even bought 25 pounds of cornmeal (for $12.50—I felt very frugal)! Add to that the fact that it is also fresh fruit season. We’ve been picking pounds and pounds of strawberries, raspberries, pie cherries, and so on at the local U-pick farm. Sure, we get a really good price (I mean, $1 a pound for raspberries is a steal!), but it still costs. So between those two things, I spent the whole food budget allowance before the middle of the month.

Now, it’s not like we don’t have money. I just earned a bunch sewing. So I have some personal cash to spare. And we could borrow money from some other fund if we had to. We’re not going to starve. I can get bananas for my son and things like onions and garlic and tomatoes if I need them. Not to mention I have a well stocked pantry! What it does mean is that I can’t buy lots of fresh produce. And I’ll have to get creative to make foods to use in place of the plantains and sweet potatoes and other things on the menu that I don’t have on hand. When I run out of veggies, for instance, I can always make more green drink!

Put all together, it means that I am very grateful for free cherries. Sure, they’re only wild ones, about the size of medium-large blueberries, with pits as big as regular cherries. But they are as sweet as honey and delicious. My husband picked them in a park behind the high school. No one owns them, and no one else seems to be picking them, so they’re fair game.

It made me think, though. What if my husband hadn’t come in with flowers and cherries? I probably would have chided him for being gone. And he could have had a very good reason to not be home. I need to be more careful of my thoughts.

But thank the Lord, my husband brought me flowers, and saved me from expressing the thoughts I had. God is so good!

Remember how I was sick for a week and still had to do (nearly) everything that I would do when I’m not sick—but slower, leaving me with precious little free time to actually rest? Well, now that my husband is home for the weekend (this was written last Saturday), it would be nice for him to be able to help out. I’m still sick, after all, and it would be nice to be able to rest a little.

Fat chance. My husband is now sick. He seemed fine at lunch, but then he went for a nap shortly after lunch. Usually he goes for a walk first or at least waits an hour or so for his lunch to settle—not today. I was looking forward to a nap, but figured I’d let him take his first, since he seemed to be settled down for one by the time I finished cleaning up after lunch. After a couple of hours, he still wasn’t up, but I was ready to go lay down. Gislaine was already playing outside, so I took Manny, whom I had been watching, and put him down beside Daddy, saying, “It’s my turn for a nap,” and went to bed.

Well, I never really got any sleep. I remember dreaming about lifting my foot to go up the stairs, but not high enough, and I stubbed my toe on the step, effectively waking myself up (don’t you hate those kinds of dreams!). Then the kids were running riot downstairs. So I didn’t really get much of a nap.

When I finally gave up and came downstairs, my husband was still zoned out on the reclining deck chair where I’d left him. I asked if he’d rested. He said, “Not much. I don’t feel well.”

So now imagine my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve been there, especially if you’re a mother.

I’ve been sick all week, but I still did about 90% of what I normally would do. I mean, sure I didn’t clean all the bathrooms—just the toilets—but at least I got meals out on time and changed diapers and did all the laundry—and then some, when Gislaine’s pull-up leaked. . . It’s not fair! Now that he’s sick, he gets to lounge around all day, without a care in the world, while I, still sick—and probably no less sick than he is—have to keep going. It’s not fair!

Well, that’s how they started to go, anyhow. But the Lord stopped me. Lisa, He reminded gently, remember that your husband gets migraines when he’s sick. When he gets sick, he usually gets a migraine to go with it, and that’s way worse than what you’ve gone through. For some reason, he doesn’t always tell me when he has a migraine, so I’m not sure if he does yet or if he just feels tired. [Note from the following day: Not only did he have a migraine, but when I went to bed, he had a fever of 104.7! That’s way worse than I ever dealt with! But I didn’t know that when I wrote this.] I consider how he was up just as late as I was before I got sick, and that my coughing the last few nights has kept him from sleeping well. I also remember how when he would come home from work, I would finish getting the kids fed, lay out pajamas or whatever, and go take a hydrotherapy hot-and-cold shower, and go to bed. Or just simply go to bed. As early as 8:15. Meaning he had to do the supper dishes and put the kids to bed (neither of which is easy), and then do anything that he would normally do in the precious little time he had after coming home between 7:30 and 8:00, as he does every night. Bless his heart! He never complained. At least not to me.

So why should I complain? I am on the mend, after all. I made sure to rinse the dishes, mostly, so actually washing them will be a cinch once the sun goes down (because I just can’t get out of the habit of not washing dishes during the Sabbath—especially now that I don’t live in cockroach paradise!—and because the dishwasher that came with the house is not working). Then I’m going to bed. Probably by 9:30. That should be our bedtime, but before getting sick, I may have only gotten to bed by then once since we moved, and very seldom before that. “Schedule” seems to be a dirty word in our house—or at best an ignored one. But let’s not go there. I’m still praying about that issue!

So instead of complaining to my husband about how I have to work while I’m sick, but he gets to be lazy, I made him a green drink of mullen leaves, kale, and a little pineapple juice. I should have put garlic in it, but I didn’t. That’s okay. He drank it. I’ll find out what he thinks of it later. I’m glad he wasn’t sick while I was, or I would have had to do the supper dishes the next morning—not fun! And I’m thankful that he has a strong immune system. He’ll probably be all better in a few days.

But just to draw out a lesson. Our thoughts affect our emotions. If I had given in to those first negative thoughts a few hours ago, I would be pretty miserable by now, and resentful of my husband. Instead, I’m thankful for the man I married, and I hope he gets better soon!

The other night my husband and I were talking just before crawling into bed, and he shared something interesting with me that put into words some things I had been sort of convicted about.

The Internet

My husband heard some guy on the radio talk about multitasking online and the tendency to get distracted on the Internet. You know, you open 3 or 4 tabs (I have 5 open at this moment), start something in one, then go to do something in another one, switching back and forth. Or you get online to check your email (maybe you are expecting an important message or have to write one), and then you decide while you’re at it to tell Facebook what you’re up to; then you see an interesting link your friend posted, so you follow that, and before you know it, you’ve wasted half an hour and done nothing productive! Sound familiar? It does to me.

The sad thing is, many of the things we do online are an absolute waste of time. My site stats, for instance. Checking them once a day at most would be much more productive than checking them every hour. They will not get any better for all that I check them. It takes a minute or two to get to them, and all those minutes add up pretty fast. Of course, by the time this publishes, I won’t have Internet at home so I’ll be checking them only once a week. But that has been a problem for me this past month.

It also seems that this multitasking actually wastes time, instead of saving it. Sure, listening to a sermon while I iron is better than ironing in silence and then sitting down to listen to a sermon. But I have found that I really can’t talk on the phone while ironing. I work twice as slow–or stop altogether. It is better to focus on one task at a time. In fact, studies show that working on 3 tasks sequentially will result in less overall time and a better quality of work, as opposed to working on all 3 simultaneously. (See Wikipedia on Human Mulitasking.) This especially applies to the Internet.

My husband has realized that this is true in his own life. He said that he would be working on documentation, and then he would get the urge to check his email (granted, work email, but still…). That would take 2 or 3 minutes, then he was back to the documentation. But then he’d check something else, and was just being distracted all day long. He said he’s renouncing the Internet. I don’t blame him!

But here’s the interesting thing. All this multitasking actually reroutes the neurons in our brains, creating new paths that hinder deep thinking. Having so much information on hand–an overwhelming amount of information–makes it hard for us to focus on any one thing. We tend to scan. That might be fine if you’re trying to find the best sale, but it’s not good when you pick up your Bible.

I will admit that I have been affected in this way. I sit down to read my Bible or a devotional book, and I get distracted very easily. Trying to do my devotions on a computer with Internet usually ends in disaster. My last attempt was successful (you can read about it here), but I rarely even attempt it–because most of the time I succumb to the temptation to check my email or my blog stats or something else–or all of the above.

Is it any wonder that I have been struggling lately in my spiritual life? If I can’t focus on the deep thinking required to digest God’s Word, how can I grow spiritually? How can I focus on prayer, on “being still” before God, when my mind is used to changing topics every 30 seconds?

So I am glad that  soon I won’t have Internet (I’m writing this the day before our big move, so this is probably the last day I’ll have it!). Since I no longer have a car (did you read about that?), I’m probably going to only have access to the Internet once a week (unless I walk to the library–not sure if I want to walk with two kids on that narrow, country road). This means I’m going to have to make a list of things that need to be done online and stick to it so that I don’t get distracted. This blog is going to probably be 90% of what I do online, and that’s fine. Facebook has its advantages, but mostly it’s a waste of time. Email has advantages too, but it should not consume my life!

Enoch

As I was contemplating all this, something struck me. Remember Enoch? “And Enoch walked with God: and he [was] not; for God took him.” Genesis 5:24. The Bible doesn’t have much to say about Enoch, but one of my favorite writers has expanded on those words, giving them depth and meaning [Emphasis mine throughout].

Enoch’s walk with God was not in a trance or vision, but in all the duties of his daily life. He did not become a hermit, shutting himself entirely from the world; for he had a work to do for God in the world. In the family and in his intercourse with men, as a husband and father, a friend, a citizen, he was the steadfast, unwavering servant of the Lord.

His heart was in harmony with God’s will; for “can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Amos 3:3. And this holy walk was continued for three hundred years. . . .

Distressed by the increasing wickedness of the ungodly, and fearing that their infidelity might lessen his reverence for God, Enoch avoided constant association with them, and spent much time in solitude, giving himself to meditation and prayer. Thus he waited before the Lord, seeking a clearer knowledge of His will, that he might perform it. To him prayer was as the breath of the soul; he lived in the very atmosphere of heaven.

Patriarchs and Prophets, 85

Isn’t that beautiful? When I read those words, I have a desire to have such an experience. But notice it meant separation from the world. Earlier in the chapter, speaking of the decendents of Seth and of Cain, the author states,

For some time the two classes remained separate. The race of Cain, spreading from the place of their first settlement, dispersed over the plains and valleys where the children of Seth had dwelt; and the latter, in order to escape from their contaminating influence, withdrew to the mountains, and there made their home. So long as this separation continued, they maintained the worship of God in its purity. But in the lapse of time they ventured, little by little, to mingle with the inhabitants of the valleys. This association was productive of the worst results. “The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair.” The children of Seth, attracted by the beauty of the daughters of Cain’s descendants, displeased the Lord by intermarrying with them. Many of the worshipers of God were beguiled into sin by the allurements that were now constantly before them, and they lost their peculiar, holy character. Mingling with the depraved, they became like them in spirit and in deeds; the restrictions of the seventh commandment were disregarded, “and they took them wives of all which they chose.” The children of Seth went “in the way of Cain” (Jude 11); they fixed their minds upon worldly prosperity and enjoyment and neglected the commandments of the Lord. Men “did not like to retain God in their knowledge;” they “became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.” Romans 1:21. Therefore “God gave them over to a mind void of judgment.” Verse 28, margin. Sin spread abroad in the earth like a deadly leprosy.

Ibid, 81-82

So one of the ways Enoch maintained his walk with God was to avoid association with the wicked as much as possible. However, he was a prophet, as Jude points out (see Jude 14-15). And prophets don’t just keep revelations of God to themselves.

Enoch became a preacher of righteousness, making known to the people what God had revealed to him. Those who feared the Lord sought out this holy man, to share his instruction and his prayers. He labored publicly also, bearing God’s messages to all who would hear the words of warning. His labors were not restricted to the Sethites. In the land where Cain had sought to flee from the divine Presence, the prophet of God made known the wonderful scenes that had passed before his vision.

Ibid, 86

But he didn’t stay there, with those for whom he was working. He didn’t stay in the cities of the Cainites.

In the midst of a life of active labor, Enoch steadfastly maintained his communion with God. The greater and more pressing his labors, the more constant and earnest were his prayers. He continued to exclude himself, at certain periods, from all society. After remaining for a time among the people, laboring to benefit them by instruction and example, he would withdraw, to spend a season in solitude, hungering and thirsting for that divine knowledge which God alone can impart.

Ibid, 87

So he worked in the cities, then went for refuge to the country. He never stayed in the cities any longer than he had to. He found refuge in the country, in peace and solitude with God, away from the corrupting influence of the wicked.

Get Out of the Cities

Many people recognize that living in the country is better overall. It’s safer, for one. Have you ever watched The City Movie? You should. It is a documentary about many of the dangers in the cities. But forgetting the dangers from terrorism or natural disasters, think what influences are there. Billboards vie for your attention. Music blares from the car next to you. A gay couple walks hand in hand down the street, right before your children’s innocent gaze. The incessant noise attacks your subconscious mind. It’s all unavoidable. And it’s all designed to draw your attention away from God.

The same author states in other books,

To parents He sends the warning cry, Gather your children into your own houses; gather them away from those who are disregarding the commandments of God, who are teaching and practicing evil. Get out of the large cities as fast as possible. Establish church schools. Give your children the Word of God as the foundation of all their education.

Child Guidance, 310

As God’s commandment-keeping people, we must leave the cities. As did Enoch, we must work in the cities but not dwell in them.

Country Living, 30

So the goal would be to be like Enoch: Go where those who need Jesus are, reach out to them, then go back to the more wholesome influence of the country.

The Application

So I was thinking about all this, and something struck me. The Internet is kind of like the cities. In this day of Facebook and eBay, email and Google, it is almost impossible to “renounce the Internet,” as my husband says he is going to do. I mean, sure, I could get by without it, but I just started this blog and really want to keep it going. But there are real dangers out there, and I need to keep this in mind.

I know of a family whose thirteen-year-old daughter has never used the Internet alone. She might have helped her mom pick out clothes to buy online or something like that, but she doesn’t even have her own email address (much less Facebook or Myspace). She homeschools, but not online. And she’s very happy. She trusts that her parents know what is best and is thankful to be protected from all the dangers out there.

When I first heard that story, I thought they were a little extreme. I mean, they were talking about how they were thinking that in a couple of years they would teach her how to use Microsoft Word, as an introduction to using the computer, before they even let her go online! But as I thought about it, I realized that she was getting more of the childhood I had, without Internet, and she wouldn’t miss it, really. The world is a very different place than it was 15 years ago!

But to apply this, I kind of see the Internet as a parallel to the city. It has become somewhat of a necessity to have access to it, but it doesn’t have to be daily access. Staying away from it is probably a very good idea. It can be a great outreach tool, but that doesn’t mean we should spend every waking hour on it.

So in a way, I too am renouncing the Internet. I will write my posts offline. I will edit my tutorials offline. I will make everything as ready as I can, and then upload and schedule the posts whenever I do get online. I will stay focused on my goals as well, making lists of things I need to research online during the week, and praying that when the time comes I won’t become distracted. And if I do become distracted, maybe I’ll have to stop researching online. I may not get on Facebook much if at all. Later when we get a laptop that I can take to the library, I can install software on it to limit my time on certain sites (like Facebook). That is my resolution. May God help me to keep it!

Has God been speaking to you while you read this article? If so, please post a comment and share. I would love to hear your reactions.